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DunkleBits July 2014 The Wesley Drive-In Movie Theatre


I realize that you have all waited a long time to make up your minds on the whole Springwell development plan and you needed to know, “What Would Ned Do?” (“WWND” bumper stickers and t-shirts coming soon to the merchandise section of our online Dunklegifts site .


Ned idiot sweat

Well, friends, your wait is over. Here’s exactly what needs to happen. But first, I am still upset that they changed the name of the Wesley Home to Springwell. Don’t ask why,but it had nothing to do with springs or wells or John Wesley. That’s reason enough to deny their zoning variance, if you ask me.

Anyway, all the talk about the proposed changes at Springwell got my mind a-reelin.’ Then one fine spring evening when I was out walking the cats it hit me, BAM! (And friends, you really must do something about those overhanging branches.)

The Wesley Drive-In Theater.

Seems so obvious now, doesn’t it? Just like the old days. You remember the old days, don’t you? You pull into a drive-in, and find a place to park. You hop into the backseat, where you know it’s nice and dark. You’re just about to move in, thinkin’ it’s a breeze,there’s a light in your eyes and then a guy says “Out of the car, Longhair!” Well, that’s how I remember it anyway.

But if you were deprived as a child and as an adult you have never been able to find Bengies, Maryland, that’s an even better reason to get on board right now with my campaign to turn Springwell into a giant drive-in movie theater.

Picture it! A picnic grove lit by a thousand Japanese lanterns, quadraphonic sound speakers in the trees or optional Bluetooth connected high-quality headphones that work from anywhere on the field. You can take the edge off the summer heat with an ice cold Nipsicle(Pat.Pend.) (

The screen is right off the crest of the hill above the athletic field and the wasted open grass field becomes a nice parking lot. Admission is only $10 a carload (20% off with your MWIA Member Value CardTM). But electric cars must pay extra.

And of course the whole Springwell facility would be redesigned with all the rooms having balconies atop the hill facing the screen, which would operate year-round. Coming soon: Science Fiction Double Feature Picture Show (by RKO)!

There’s only one thing that would make this idea even better: your old pal Ned sitting down front by the screen, mic’ed up good and loud, so the Springwell residents can hear, and providing running commentary to the movies. We could call it Mount Washington Theater 3000 (MWT3K).

Is this not a win-win-win for everybody? You know you love it. You’re welcome. Just don’t forget to floss.


Originally oublished in the Mount Washington Imporovement Association Newsletter July/August 2014

DunkleBits May 2014 The Grass Haz Rizz

Via the miracles of modern technology we have been blessed with many truly wonderful things including microwave ovens, iPhones, painless dentistry, liquid soap, the invisible fence, tofu based dessert treats – the list goes on and on. And now, crypto-currencies, including BitCoin are poised to reinvent what we consider money.

While many of us long for the days on our Micronesian island when our wealth was measured by the size of the giant Rai stone displayed in front of our hammock, those days are sadly, long gone.

Rai Stones


As Al Gore once said, “it’s the microchip, not the Micronesian chip, dummy”. Anyway, as a resident of Mount Washington you are one of the lucky ones who will have the opportunity to get in early on the next big (invisible) thing. DunkleBitCoinsTM are here and I already have agreements with over 40 of the local hair salons (that’s almost half!)  to accept them in payment for your color cut and blow drying sessions.  Also, as soon as the restraining order is lifted, I will be proudly returning to the Local Taverns to get them on board. They will love it – it will be easier than ever to sneak in that 18% gratuity for a party of 1 or more.

Speaking of eating. Let’s do lunch!

As we head into summer please remember this: Just because winter sucked that’s no reason not to be able to complain about heat. So when someone tells you, and oh yes, they will tell you “You can’t complain about the heat, don’t you remember the winter?” Tell them that Ned said to keep fanning me and feeding me ice chips.  It’s always OK to complain about summer heat in Baltimore, in fact it is expected.

Preakness 2014 is just around the corner and I will do my complaining about that in advance. “OOO the blimp is so loud and it’s been right over my house ALL DAY”. Other than that it’s an amazing day and I look forward to seeing the bulimic midgets, oops, jockeys scarfing down French fries at the Tavern the night before.

Speaking of local watering holes, here is an observation. Live music is dead. Let’s have a seance! I have a Ouija board that I regularly use to summon the spirit of Earl Weaver just to ask him questions about the current Baltimore Orioles. Actually, it is a custom Ouija board with these characters just for Earl “@#$!&*#$”. But seriously, lets’ all get together and summon the spirit of live local latebreaking music. ( Dang it WBAL TV has me under their spell…) ahem, the spirit of Live Local music and find out where the heck it has been. I don’t want to hear the Sirius XM “Songs that jerk across the hall played to death in the 80’s” channel while I sip my Sasparilla, I want to see somebody acting out their dreams of a better life – with guitars!

Great news for the four legged lovers of frozen psychotropic treats – The NipsiclesTM truck is coming! Listen for the jingling collar bells as it comes down your street and bring out your cats! And your DunkleBitCoinsTM.

And one more thing. Mind your manners and be respectful of your neighbors, you may need to borrow a drainpipe snake someday and you don’t want your bad attitude towards the clearly mentally ill to stop them from lending it to you. Leave your torches and pitchforks in the garage and keep your side of the street clean, because so far, the only evidence of City Street sweepers that I have seen is a bunch of ugly signs posted on our otherwise lovely gardens. Which is cool, because street sweepers are scary!

And don’t forget to floss.