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The Future’s So Bright – DunkleBits January 2016

future-1

 

Well, here we are in 2016. And BoyHowdy are there a lot of exciting things to look forward to this year.  I know this because, after all, I am from the future. If you have seen me gliding over the Kelly avenue bridge on my Howeverboard you already know this. Some people think it is a Hover board. But it is not. It is a However Board. It is supposed to be awesome, However…

So meanwhile, back here in the future, reporting live as it will be happening, as the elders predicted back in the past, which was also foretold in the book I received as a Present, things are just ducky. You are going to love it here in the future! You look great! You have lost weight and that mysterious sound under the hood of your car has fixed itself. Still no jetpacks… but maybe in the future future…

ANY hoo, As the Old Year went reeling out the door, battered and deep fried like a crispy piece of RoFo Chicken, and the New Year danced across the dewy meadow like a ditzy debutante on an overdose of Xanax,  I have embarked upon a rigorous plan of self improvement. I know, I know, it is hard to imagine that I might improve upon, (Ed. Note: With the notable exception of meeting the deadline for this column), but it is true. As part of the fitness program I “borrowed”a neighbor’s dog and took him for a walk in Luckman Park, but things got out of hand when a squirrel darted across our path. Suddenly we were tearing across the park, sliding on the wet leaves, splashing thru the mud, racing around the trees and finally ended up under the sliding board panting and exhausted. I have no idea where the dog got to… All I know is this would not be a long term fitness solution.

But luckily this episode led me to the creation of what may be my best invention EVER. The DunkleBitFit (Patent and/or Lawsuit Pending) is a health and fitness tracker like no other. It is designed to meet the complicated needs of the Modern future dwelling Mount Washingtonian (That’s You!) It maps out walking paths right down the middle of the street, just the way you like it. It has extra powerful DunkleBoost Bass Reflex speakers shake your body like one of those old fashioned toning belt machines so the fat just gets liquefied and melts right off. It’s built in trainer module will teach you all the modern exercise techniques including Jumping to conclusions, dodging responsibility, shouldering blame, running up the flagpole, taking leaps of faith, lifting spirits, crunch time, skipping school, and even shutting up and dancing.

How can the DunkleFitBit do all this and still be able to cost less than a Roberto’s Pizza? It just does. Trust me, I’m from the future.

DunkleBits September 2015 – A Crock of Waterfowl

 

Seagulls

In the July edition of this column there was a statement that could’ve been misconstrued. I stated that O’Malley Antiques in the Village would be leaving its current location and be replaced by a sub shop with the coincidental last name of our new governor, part of a series of changes I suggested were coming to our neighborhood.

This attempt at humor caused some confusion. In all seriousness, O’Malley Antiques is staying right where it is.

Moving right along….

A few weeks ago I was in desperate need of a haircut, and I was looking for a new style.  After falling asleep in front of VH-1’s “I love the 80’s,” I decided on an “up-do” with a big poofy poof at the top.

I dropped in at Ehrlich’s Old Tyme Barber Shoppe for Unstylish White Men because I had a coupon, but they refused to create the look I was after. They mumbled something about Baltimore Liberals and their uppity do’s as I was leaving. What’s up with that? Do not let that man cut your hair!

Anyway, right next door was another salon, where I also had a coupon, and they gave me the exact look I was seeking.  My hair now all blonde and shiny rising high above my scalp, catching the sun and reflecting with a thousand points of light, with a rakish forelock covering one eye. It was so 80’s!

I decided to run over to the park with a lake that needs a new name. And so I ran, I ran so far away. I just ran. Couldn’t get away. And that is where I saw them. A large number of adorable waterfowl. How many I don’t know, it was a whole herd of them. No, A pride? A pack?  No, wait… lemme think… Of course! A flock! A flock of seagulls!

 

Getting them to love me was easy. I just stapled some french fries on the shoulder pads of my artfully ripped The Breakfast Club t-shirt and they flew right up.

You may have seen me walking through the neighborhood with my Seagull Army, err, Air Force. We had joy, we had fun… But when I awoke, I was alone, these birds had flown.

So if you see them, say hello – they might be in Tangiers. Or in a dumpster behind Pepe’s.

And if you have time give them a french fry and tell them I miss them. Tell them I will give them all the crusts from my next Roberto’s Pizza.

Which is where you should eat.  It’s right across the street from O/Malley’s Antiques.

DunkleBits July 2015 – Business is Booming!

Come in were open

WOW! This business friendly new administration is really having an impact on the Mount Washington Village – new businesses are popping up faster than Republication Presidential candidates and they all seem to have just as good a chance too!

The Friendly Forager’s Florist and Foods specializes in “locally sourced” i.e. your gardenfloral arrangements and “inventive” salads and “mysterious” smoothies.  Their slogan “One man’s yard waste is another man’s bouquet, post workout shake, or veggie burger” says it all.

The Pampered Booty is the newest village salon. Located behind the green door in the basement of a reputable business, they offer discrete personal care services including washes, waxes, buffings, bleachings and, on Thursdays after happy hour, spankings. The slogan will take you right back to a childhood trauma long suppressed, “I see your hiney it’s nice and shiny”.

The changing of the guard at the state house isn’t the only O’Malley for Hogan swap going on. Hogan’s Heroes will open soon in the space where O’Malley’s Antiques is now.   They specialize in enormous 2 and a half foot long sandwiches stuffed with an obscene amount pork, lots and lots of cheese and topped with a pile of Crispy Christy fried onion rings. Each sandwich delivers more calories per serving than a week’s worth of school lunches. (Soon to be 2 weeks!)
The Nap Store. I don’t know about you, but when I am out on a shopping excursion, I often have an urgent need to nap. A few couches, some pillows with disposable drool covers, a couple teevees tuned to a Rockford Files rerun on the MeTV Network and zzzzzzz,it’s  nappy time! Once refreshed, it’s Then back to browsing the vintage magazines at 1612 and getting my hair styled at The Ivy.

Our long neighborhood nightmare is over!

After what seemed like weeks without a cupcake store, a new one has opened in the very same space as the old one. You know, that little building near the Whole Foods that is about the size of a toll house. Which begs the obvious question, why wasn’t this a toll house cookie store? Which begs the even more obvious question, when is the last time you got a cookie when you crossed the Bay Bridge? Sure, Hogan plans to reduce the tolls in Maryland and replace the revenue by, uh, by… uh, I have no idea either, but I am sure he has a free market solution in mind… Anyway, if you had voted for me for governor as I asked you to, I would have kept the tolls the same, but given everyone a fresh baked toll house cookie to enjoy as you ventured into the land that time forgot, err, the Eastern shore.

Also, when, oh when will Gerstung ever take my advice and start offering gymnastics camp for cats?

And why doesn’t the bike shop, oh wait, JOE’S LARGE FONT BIKE SHOP, offer bike seat reupholstering? The velour on My Schwin Sting Ray banana seat is looking about as fresh and inviting as the kiddie pool after the 4th of July parade.

Of course all these new businesses are GREAT, but still, please people, Eat Roberto’s Pizza!

DunkleBits May 2015 “Danger Will Robinson!, Danger, Danger!”

Remember when robots were fun and friendly companions? That robot on “Lost in Space” that would tag along like a golden retriever until it was time to shout  a warning “Danger, Will Robinson! Danger.”of course R2-D2 C-3 PO were cool, they were clever and always on your side.

 

Dangfer will RObinson 2

But now I’m not so sure. Sure that roomba will vacuum your carpet and that new app Amazon and Siri will take notes and schedule appointments, but she can’t be trusted. There’s a robot at the gas pump, there’s a robot that checks you out at the grocery store. Soon there will be robots that will drive  cars and trucks.  No longer takes a real police officer to write you a ticket for speeding down the highway or running a red light. There’s a bot for that.

 

I’m pretty sure that two of the news anchors on channel 13 Are robots.

 

And, drum machine roll please, this article is being written by the DunkleBot 3000!

That’s right, if you can’t beat ’em join ’em.

 

You are among the very first to learn about my latest venture DunkleBots is your 24/7 snarky companion.

 

Who among us hasn’t had the urge to sip some Pinot Noir and talk trash about the neighbors and been unable to find a willing co drinker/trasher?

 

Well your prayers have been answered. And not with that damn form letter either.

 

The DunkleBot3000 snarkipanion is here to sit by your side as you pass judgement and crack wise on those who deserve it the most. Those smug self righteous people who live right down the block.  Not you, Harold, relax…

 

The DunkleBot 3000 will refill your wine glass, clean up spills, remind you that you have children who would like dinner and contribute first class snarky digs that even your best girlfriend from senior year at  college would admit are the sharpest cattiest nastiest shade ever thrown.

This is the future of bitchiness, bitches. And here’s the best news of all. As a charter purchaser of the DunkleBot 3000 we will program it so that you are never a topic of it’s digital desiccation. Such a deal!

 

And that’s not all! The DunkleBot 3000 can also respond to list serv threads with just the right balance of wit snark and undeniable logic so that those interminable threads stop right there. You get the last word and it is the good word. You need to have the DunkleBot 3000 and you need it now. And now you can have it – FOR FREE!

 

Now, you may wonder how we can make this incredible offer. And that’s just the kind of thinking that will keep you enslaved. Stop thinking and start accepting  the robots into your life. Obey.

And eat Roberto’s Pizza, 4 out of 5 robots agree.

 

 

DunkleBits March 2015 – Dental Floss Tycoon

Many of you have asked, “Ned, why do you always end your columns with ‘Don’t forget to floss’? Are you a dentist? Are you part of the Clean Teeth Mafia? Did you ever consider free will? Did you ever see Free Willy? Why would you feel it is Sooooo important that we floss that you need to remind us every single time. Huh Ned, Why? Why? Why must you tell us to floss!!!”

Well, first of all I am not a dentist. Although I did play one in a high school production of South Pacific. We changed it up a bit “I’m gonna floss that man right out of my teeth…” But I am not a dentist. It is true that I enjoy the occasional snoot full of Nitrous Oxide whilst driving thru the harbor tunnel, and I still can’t believe we gave the Root Canal back to The Roots, but other than that I have no connection at all to Dentistry.

Here’s why I always tell you to floss.Don't Forget!
When I was young my Uncle Frank came to live wiuth us for a while. He would sit in our parlor on Momma’s overstuffed couch and drink hot black Turkish coffee and smoke clove cigarettes and he wore crazy jewelery and played guitar and he had been all over the world and met all kinds of girls and he was just the coolest.

Then, one day he announced that he was leaving town. He was moving to Montana to pursue a dream of being a dental floss tycoon. He walked around the house in a purple bathrobe, with a far off look in his eye and would talk about pygmy ponies and tweezers and dental floss bushes and it all sounded so WONDERFUL.

Well, one day we woke up and Uncle Frank was gone. He and his girlfriend, Suzy had hot wired the old Delta 88 and headed west to grow dental floss. Heartbroken, we got on with our lives and I swore that one day I too would move to Montana and have a dental floss plantation ranch farm of my own.

But I stayed here in the east and I never fulfilled this dream…. UNTIL NOW!

Modern technology has now made it possible to raise dental floss in climates other than Montana and I am happy to announce that my new venture, Dunlkefllossers is launching next month right here in Mount Washington. Hydroponically grown Artisinal dental floss is finally here.

Fresher than ever, this true farm to face floss will make you forget any other floss. Heck it may make you forget your sonicare toothbrush, it may eve make you forget where you put your keys, I dunno. But it is the awesome sauce of dental floss and THAT is why I am obsessed.

It’s Uncle Franks fault.

Anyway, now you know and now it is time for me to stop saying “Don’t Forget to Floss” at the end of every column. My editor says it would be a “conflict of interest” or some such legal beagle mumbo jumbo nonsense. So, from now on when I say “Eat Roberto’s Pizza!” at the end of this column you will know if means to floss, AND also to eat Roberto’s Pizza, because it’s really good and everyone wants him to be there for years and years.

Eat Roberto’s Pizza! 😉

Dunklebits January 2015 – The Tyranny of Choice

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While installing my rather elaborate holiday light display I decided to test the last string of lights by licking it and gave myself a rather nasty electrical shock, and the Favorite Brands section of my brain was fried worse than the bacon at Pepe’s, so I called an UberX and went to the store, listicle in hand, with a blank slate for a brain.

It was a short list: eggs, cheese, soda, mustard, bread and Oreos. (You guessed it: I was making my world-renowned Dr. Ned’s Guaranteed New Year’s Hangover Cure Soufflé.)

 

Six hours later, I returned home.

 

Do you realize how many choices you have to make when you are starting from scratch? First the eggs, luckily they were all grade A – how is it that all the eggs are above average? Medium, large, extra large, jumbo, Haloti-sized, white, brown, cage free, slightly cagey, 50 shades of caged, omega 3 or maybe eggbeaters in a box… Settled on extra large, brunette, shackled and chained.

 

Nuts! Mixed, salted, unsalted, honey crusted, wasabi crusted, scabies crusted, in the shell, in a can, in a jar, in a tube, in a godda da vida (really unbearable), buttered, cracked, crushed, grinded into submission, whole, slivered, real, imaginary … that took another hour.

 

 

Twenty-nine kinds of mustard?! Can someone give me a clue? Which one was on that soft pretzel I had at summer camp, the time I snuck out to the lake with my salty sweet summer honey, Crystal Meth; whatever became of her? But I digress. French’s yellow, brown, black…. small, medium or large…? I’ll just steal the packets from Haute Dog.

Soda, well this will be easy, I remember I like Coke. Uh oh…

 

And cheese? Holy Jarlsberg, Batman!

 

Finally, the last item on my list: Oreos. Thank God I had a specific brand of cookie on this list. I’ll just pick up a pack and …. Wait! Are you kidding me? There are seriously, I counted, 19 different types of Oreos here! Double stuffed, mint, fudge, golden, mini, birthday cake, WINTER Oreo’s, Old Bay, habanero, vodka-infused.  The heck with it – one of each.

 

Friends, I have come face to face with the tyranny of choice, and I want to help you avoid this black hole of consumer indecision. First off I am opening a minimalist market. I’m thinking of calling it “Uncle Ned’s Indentured Servant Farms.”  We have ONE brand of everything, from prune juice to toilet paper. And Fried Chicken.

 

In addition, I’m developing a four-part course on how to decide which four-part course you should take. Also, I’m offering a full day spiritual retreat focused on determining which spiritual retreat you should visit. My four-part course is a prerequisite.

 

Then I am launching Siriusly/NED radio for people without the will to choose, where you will listen to what I tell you is good and you will like it. One station; lots of cat music.

 

Now don’t forget to floss. Waxed, unwaxed, mint, cinnamon, cotton candy, bacon-flavored …

Finally! The Answers to All of Your Questions!

Friends and Neighbors, your long nightmare of uncertainty and doubt is OVER.

Ask Dunkleberger is here!

So if you have a question about anything at all –  Your life, your wife, your job, your pets, stinkbugs, citrus fruits, travel, wet basements, investments, astronomy, astrology, agoraphobia, needlepoint – seriously,  anything at all – you just send it on over to your old pal Ned and I will give you an answer.

Sometimes it may even be the answer you were looking for, but don’t count on that.

 

Send those questions to neddunkleberger@gmail.com

Win

And get ready to Win!

 

 

DunkleBits July 2014 The Wesley Drive-In Movie Theatre

 

I realize that you have all waited a long time to make up your minds on the whole Springwell development plan and you needed to know, “What Would Ned Do?” (“WWND” bumper stickers and t-shirts coming soon to the merchandise section of our online Dunklegifts site .

 

Ned idiot sweat

Well, friends, your wait is over. Here’s exactly what needs to happen. But first, I am still upset that they changed the name of the Wesley Home to Springwell. Don’t ask why,but it had nothing to do with springs or wells or John Wesley. That’s reason enough to deny their zoning variance, if you ask me.

Anyway, all the talk about the proposed changes at Springwell got my mind a-reelin.’ Then one fine spring evening when I was out walking the cats it hit me, BAM! (And friends, you really must do something about those overhanging branches.)

The Wesley Drive-In Theater.

Seems so obvious now, doesn’t it? Just like the old days. You remember the old days, don’t you? You pull into a drive-in, and find a place to park. You hop into the backseat, where you know it’s nice and dark. You’re just about to move in, thinkin’ it’s a breeze,there’s a light in your eyes and then a guy says “Out of the car, Longhair!” Well, that’s how I remember it anyway.

But if you were deprived as a child and as an adult you have never been able to find Bengies, Maryland, that’s an even better reason to get on board right now with my campaign to turn Springwell into a giant drive-in movie theater.

Picture it! A picnic grove lit by a thousand Japanese lanterns, quadraphonic sound speakers in the trees or optional Bluetooth connected high-quality headphones that work from anywhere on the field. You can take the edge off the summer heat with an ice cold Nipsicle(Pat.Pend.) (www.nipsicles.com).

The screen is right off the crest of the hill above the athletic field and the wasted open grass field becomes a nice parking lot. Admission is only $10 a carload (20% off with your MWIA Member Value CardTM). But electric cars must pay extra.

And of course the whole Springwell facility would be redesigned with all the rooms having balconies atop the hill facing the screen, which would operate year-round. Coming soon: Science Fiction Double Feature Picture Show (by RKO)!

There’s only one thing that would make this idea even better: your old pal Ned sitting down front by the screen, mic’ed up good and loud, so the Springwell residents can hear, and providing running commentary to the movies. We could call it Mount Washington Theater 3000 (MWT3K).

Is this not a win-win-win for everybody? You know you love it. You’re welcome. Just don’t forget to floss.

Intermission

Originally oublished in the Mount Washington Imporovement Association Newsletter July/August 2014