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DunkleBits November 2014 “Ask Dunkleberger” Part Two

Ask Dunkleberger

Well, this AskDunkleberger thing was another mind-bending work of staggering genius.

Questions have been pouring in to me and the demand for my special brand of wisdom has been so overwhelming that I have been forced to launch www.askdunkleberger.com! Subscribe to the mailing list by clicking HERE.

Oh crap, did that hyper-link break? Now I have to call MWIA Newsletter tech support.

“Hello, this is Bob. Have you tried re-booting the newsletter?”

Sigh. Yes…

“OK. Try ripping your mailbox off the wall and holding it over your head for 60 seconds, then rebolting it to your house. That should fix it.”

Oh forget it, just like me on Facebook.

Now about those questions:

Dear Ned,
I hate crime as much as the next guy. Is it appropriate to post videos on ChatTube, or YouTwit, or whatever, of lesser crimes I may have observed around Mount Washington, such as dropping doggy bags in a neighbor’s trashcan? If I don’t have any of these videos, should I film myself in the act?
Signed,
Perplexed In The ’Hood

Dear Perp,
As everyone knows, the only videos worth watching are cat videos. So if you want to post video of yourself emptying a litter box into your neighbor’s trash, that is acceptable.

Dear Ned,
Mount Washington is the hot brand right now. People from all over town claim they live here even though they really live in Cheswolde or on Smith Avenue or as far out as Quarry Lake or Topeka. Now, I don’t want to be a snob, and I don’t blame them for wanting to live in one of the best neighborhoods in town. But what’s the etiquette here? Should I correct these people? Turn the other cheek? Snort derisively?
Yours truly,
Proud in Mt. Washington

Dear Snob,
I feel your pain. So I took some of your Advil. Now I feel better.

Ahhh yes, wannabes. It is important to remember that we were all once MW aspirers and now we live here and they don’t. Nanny nanny boo boo. Never mind that they are in a modern 3,200 square foot palace and you live in a van down by the Jones Falls. That van is in Mount Washington! I would choose snorting.

Dear Ned,
Is it OK to liberate veggies that have grown into public spaces, like alleys? It’s hard to watch all that potential die on the vine knowing I could make a mean ratatouille. But I know some people can be territorial…
Signed,
Penny Pincher

Dear PP,
In the alley means in the belly! We call this activity “Night Gardening” and it also applies to various indigenous perennials. And some smaller pets. Just be cool and pass the gazpacho.

Well friends, as you can see I was born to do this. Can’t wait for John Prine to write a song about me:

“Dear Neddy, Dear Neddy, seems I’m at a loss, my column is ending and I’ve forgotten to floss.”

And don’t forget to send me your questions for next time.

 

Originally poublished in the Mount Washington Improvement Association Newsletter Nov/Dec 2014

Comments

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