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The Future’s So Bright – DunkleBits January 2016

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Well, here we are in 2016. And BoyHowdy are there a lot of exciting things to look forward to this year.  I know this because, after all, I am from the future. If you have seen me gliding over the Kelly avenue bridge on my Howeverboard you already know this. Some people think it is a Hover board. But it is not. It is a However Board. It is supposed to be awesome, However…

So meanwhile, back here in the future, reporting live as it will be happening, as the elders predicted back in the past, which was also foretold in the book I received as a Present, things are just ducky. You are going to love it here in the future! You look great! You have lost weight and that mysterious sound under the hood of your car has fixed itself. Still no jetpacks… but maybe in the future future…

ANY hoo, As the Old Year went reeling out the door, battered and deep fried like a crispy piece of RoFo Chicken, and the New Year danced across the dewy meadow like a ditzy debutante on an overdose of Xanax,  I have embarked upon a rigorous plan of self improvement. I know, I know, it is hard to imagine that I might improve upon, (Ed. Note: With the notable exception of meeting the deadline for this column), but it is true. As part of the fitness program I “borrowed”a neighbor’s dog and took him for a walk in Luckman Park, but things got out of hand when a squirrel darted across our path. Suddenly we were tearing across the park, sliding on the wet leaves, splashing thru the mud, racing around the trees and finally ended up under the sliding board panting and exhausted. I have no idea where the dog got to… All I know is this would not be a long term fitness solution.

But luckily this episode led me to the creation of what may be my best invention EVER. The DunkleBitFit (Patent and/or Lawsuit Pending) is a health and fitness tracker like no other. It is designed to meet the complicated needs of the Modern future dwelling Mount Washingtonian (That’s You!) It maps out walking paths right down the middle of the street, just the way you like it. It has extra powerful DunkleBoost Bass Reflex speakers shake your body like one of those old fashioned toning belt machines so the fat just gets liquefied and melts right off. It’s built in trainer module will teach you all the modern exercise techniques including Jumping to conclusions, dodging responsibility, shouldering blame, running up the flagpole, taking leaps of faith, lifting spirits, crunch time, skipping school, and even shutting up and dancing.

How can the DunkleFitBit do all this and still be able to cost less than a Roberto’s Pizza? It just does. Trust me, I’m from the future.

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