Many of you have asked, “Ned, why do you always end your columns with ‘Don’t forget to floss’? Are you a dentist? Are you part of the Clean Teeth Mafia? Did you ever consider free will? Did you ever see Free Willy? Why would you feel it is Sooooo important that we floss that you need to remind us every single time. Huh Ned, Why? Why? Why must you tell us to floss!!!”
Well, first of all I am not a dentist. Although I did play one in a high school production of South Pacific. We changed it up a bit “I’m gonna floss that man right out of my teeth…” But I am not a dentist. It is true that I enjoy the occasional snoot full of Nitrous Oxide whilst driving thru the harbor tunnel, and I still can’t believe we gave the Root Canal back to The Roots, but other than that I have no connection at all to Dentistry.
Here’s why I always tell you to floss.
When I was young my Uncle Frank came to live wiuth us for a while. He would sit in our parlor on Momma’s overstuffed couch and drink hot black Turkish coffee and smoke clove cigarettes and he wore crazy jewelery and played guitar and he had been all over the world and met all kinds of girls and he was just the coolest.
Then, one day he announced that he was leaving town. He was moving to Montana to pursue a dream of being a dental floss tycoon. He walked around the house in a purple bathrobe, with a far off look in his eye and would talk about pygmy ponies and tweezers and dental floss bushes and it all sounded so WONDERFUL.
Well, one day we woke up and Uncle Frank was gone. He and his girlfriend, Suzy had hot wired the old Delta 88 and headed west to grow dental floss. Heartbroken, we got on with our lives and I swore that one day I too would move to Montana and have a dental floss plantation ranch farm of my own.
But I stayed here in the east and I never fulfilled this dream…. UNTIL NOW!
Modern technology has now made it possible to raise dental floss in climates other than Montana and I am happy to announce that my new venture, Dunlkefllossers is launching next month right here in Mount Washington. Hydroponically grown Artisinal dental floss is finally here.
Fresher than ever, this true farm to face floss will make you forget any other floss. Heck it may make you forget your sonicare toothbrush, it may eve make you forget where you put your keys, I dunno. But it is the awesome sauce of dental floss and THAT is why I am obsessed.
It’s Uncle Franks fault.
Anyway, now you know and now it is time for me to stop saying “Don’t Forget to Floss” at the end of every column. My editor says it would be a “conflict of interest” or some such legal beagle mumbo jumbo nonsense. So, from now on when I say “Eat Roberto’s Pizza!” at the end of this column you will know if means to floss, AND also to eat Roberto’s Pizza, because it’s really good and everyone wants him to be there for years and years.
Eat Roberto’s Pizza! 😉