Via the miracles of modern technology we have been blessed with many truly wonderful things including microwave ovens, iPhones, painless dentistry, liquid soap, the invisible fence, tofu based dessert treats – the list goes on and on. And now, crypto-currencies, including BitCoin are poised to reinvent what we consider money.

While many of us long for the days on our Micronesian island when our wealth was measured by the size of the giant Rai stone displayed in front of our hammock, those days are sadly, long gone.

Rai Stones


As Al Gore once said, “it’s the microchip, not the Micronesian chip, dummy”. Anyway, as a resident of Mount Washington you are one of the lucky ones who will have the opportunity to get in early on the next big (invisible) thing. DunkleBitCoinsTM are here and I already have agreements with over 40 of the local hair salons (that’s almost half!)  to accept them in payment for your color cut and blow drying sessions.  Also, as soon as the restraining order is lifted, I will be proudly returning to the Local Taverns to get them on board. They will love it – it will be easier than ever to sneak in that 18% gratuity for a party of 1 or more.

Speaking of eating. Let’s do lunch!

As we head into summer please remember this: Just because winter sucked that’s no reason not to be able to complain about heat. So when someone tells you, and oh yes, they will tell you “You can’t complain about the heat, don’t you remember the winter?” Tell them that Ned said to keep fanning me and feeding me ice chips.  It’s always OK to complain about summer heat in Baltimore, in fact it is expected.

Preakness 2014 is just around the corner and I will do my complaining about that in advance. “OOO the blimp is so loud and it’s been right over my house ALL DAY”. Other than that it’s an amazing day and I look forward to seeing the bulimic midgets, oops, jockeys scarfing down French fries at the Tavern the night before.

Speaking of local watering holes, here is an observation. Live music is dead. Let’s have a seance! I have a Ouija board that I regularly use to summon the spirit of Earl Weaver just to ask him questions about the current Baltimore Orioles. Actually, it is a custom Ouija board with these characters just for Earl “@#$!&*#$”. But seriously, lets’ all get together and summon the spirit of live local latebreaking music. ( Dang it WBAL TV has me under their spell…) ahem, the spirit of Live Local music and find out where the heck it has been. I don’t want to hear the Sirius XM “Songs that jerk across the hall played to death in the 80’s” channel while I sip my Sasparilla, I want to see somebody acting out their dreams of a better life – with guitars!

Great news for the four legged lovers of frozen psychotropic treats – The NipsiclesTM truck is coming! Listen for the jingling collar bells as it comes down your street and bring out your cats! And your DunkleBitCoinsTM.

And one more thing. Mind your manners and be respectful of your neighbors, you may need to borrow a drainpipe snake someday and you don’t want your bad attitude towards the clearly mentally ill to stop them from lending it to you. Leave your torches and pitchforks in the garage and keep your side of the street clean, because so far, the only evidence of City Street sweepers that I have seen is a bunch of ugly signs posted on our otherwise lovely gardens. Which is cool, because street sweepers are scary!

And don’t forget to floss.